A little background before I get into my internal struggle that I most recently encountered. 1) Every night I ask God for forgiveness for the things I did or didn’t do that caused Him pain, same for my words and thoughts. Next, I ask Him to search my heart, mind and soul and ask if there’s anything there that is not of Him to please remove it and replace it with the fruits of the Spirit. 2) I am in most part a happily married person. My marriage isn’t perfect, but I can’t imagine my life without him.
So what transpired happened pretty innocently. Whenever I get groceries I always ask my hubby if there’s anything he would like. One day he started requesting some microwavable meals so he could just pop them in when he took his lunch. I was so excited! Most of the kids are gone and our son was doing his own meal plan and cooking for himself.. I wouldn’t have to think of what to make, did a customer come when the food was ready, was he too busy to come in at that time…none of that! Just make my own meal and make dinner one day a week when all the kids come over for the day.
Well, as time went on there would be some days that I wasn’t home to make supper. All was good – he did have his own food to make, but suddenly when I was thinking of what to make one afternoon I started getting these thoughts in my head such as: don’t worry about it – he’s got his meals, remember that time you spent all that time cooking and when he came in and said he wasn’t hungry, or that time when you tried a new recipe and he refused to eat it? Remember how that made you feel? I knew right away those thoughts weren’t right and wondered where were they coming from. When I would cook something, I started feeling bitter and started giving in to those thoughts and I would cook less and less. I knew something was going on inside, but why were things and feelings from the past coming up? We weren’t fighting, everything was fine…except not cooking.
I asked God how and why was I feeling this bitterness. These things happened in the past and I thought I had forgiven him long ago. The words that came to mind, were: get rid of bitterness and malice; the heart is deceitful. Of course I don’t know where these are located, so I googled the words and got the following verses:
Ephesians 4:31-32
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and railing, be put away from you with all malice; and be tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you.
Jeremiah 17:9
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick: who can understand it?’’ Like I said before, I thought I had forgiven him. Was it possible that I was still holding a grudge? I know the enemy likes to use our emotions and the past against us. Was this the enemy? I then started asking God to Help me get rid of those thoughts and feelings, and if I truly didn’t forgive him before, to help me do it now.
Todd gave me a lot of grace until he finally ran out and confronted me about it. I didn’t argue with him. Instead I agreed and said I knew it was a problem. I told him of everything I said here and would really try to do much better. Since that time, I’m back to making meals about 90% of the time. I can see he does appreciate the meals and is going out of his way to compliment and thank me. I am thankful that it finally came to ahead and I was able to express my feelings and he was understanding. Thank You, God, for another prayer answered.
If this was the enemy, he no longer has the power of those feelings. If this was God making me deal with a grudge I was holding, He made a way to deal with it and is making my life better and my marriage stronger. To that, I say Amen!
My advise: No matter how small and petty something is bothering you; ask God for help.
By Spiritual Ministry Team Member
Jeanette Cory